I'm Thankful...

I'm feeling very thankful today and I want to write them down before I forget.

I'm thankful...
-For a husband, who works so hard to support his family.
-For Elliott, who is being such a trooper through this trial, even on his bad days.
-For the endless help from family and friends
-For doctors and nurses who always have a positive attitude and a smile on their face.
-For fast food.
-For NOW being able to pick up my baby without the nurses permission
-For hospital stays and a speeding ticket that remind me I'm not invincible!!!
-For technology and modern medicine
-For all the medical knowledge i'm gaining
-For polite people
-For long walks across the parking lot, helping me lose baby weight and burn off fast food
-For my two siblings and a couple friends, who were able to have big healthy babies recently
-For elevators
-For naps and Dr.Pepper
-For breast pumps, even though I may not say that at 3am!
-For Batting cages and shooting ranges
-For Gibson hitting milestones when my hope is running low
-For learing I'm not as patient as I thought I was
-For the privilege to be a MOM
-For Heavenly Father allowing me to keep my baby
-For Priesthood Blessings
-For this trial and the blessings and growth that has come from it. I AM SO BLESSED!!!

Our Christmas Miracle

   First off, I cant believe it's been almost 8 months since I've blogged. I have two drafts, but I wont be publishing them now. So much has happened.... I'll give a short recap.... I got pregnant unexpectedly and struggled with that reality for a while, but eventually warmed up to the idea. My brother had a bad motorcycle accident and was impaled by a tree. Dustin quit his job and got a better one... Yeah! My Grandma passed away, that was rough! I turned 29 and Dustin turned 28. My whole family took an awesome trip to Sea World and all the kids loved it! We went to Ventura for Thanksgiving and spent it with Dustin's whole family. And I had a baby 10 weeks early.

So here's how this awesome miracle went down...
   The first week of Dec I was getting to the point in my pregnancy when you're sick of all your clothes cause nothing fits right, getting short of breath from just sweeping the floors and beginning to count down the weeks. I was almost into single digits and getting excited about bringing home a new little man to the family. I was emotional and nesting really early. I had been reorganizing and de-cluttering my house for weeks, almost in a panic. Little did I know what was to come. I started having trouble catching my breath more than I should be at this stage of pregnancy and needing much more sleep. Overall I was just feeling that something was wrong. Monday the 10th I started feeling really light headed and towards the evening I finally sat down and checked my blood pressure, 165/95!!! I layed down on the couch for a couple hours and checked it again. 165/104. A little panic started to set in because with Elliott I developed preeclampsia and had him C-section at 37 weeks. "I'm barely 30 weeks today, I cant have a baby this early", I thought. By then it was ten o'clock at night and I knew I could make my appointment the next morning if I just stayed in bed. Throughout the night my pressure never dropped and was still fairly high when I got to my appt. My doc told me go to triage so he could run a few test and said I could be there a few hours to a few days. I got Elliott situated with Dustin's mom and Dust and I headed to the hospital. I was in good spirits thinking they'll give me drugs for a day or two and send me home. Within an hour of being there my doctor informed me that my kidneys were in bad shape along with having preeclampsia and I wouldn't be going home till I had this baby. My doctor put me on medication immediately and was planning on buying Gibson four to five weeks before taking him C-section. If you think my blood pressure was high before, man did it jump after that conversation. How was i supposed to stay in the hospital for a month or more when I have a 21 month old at home to take care of. Big tears of concern for Elliott started running down my face and I was doing everything I could to hold it together. I calmed myself down just in time for my nurse to start my IV and pump me full of magnesium, which makes you so sick! I maintained sanity through the rest of the day joking with nurses and trying to plan how to take care of Elliott the next month. Luckily Dustin's mom was in town and planned to stay and help as long as she could, my mom was about to have her two week break from school and I had my sister and sis in-law available to pitch in as well. I felt a lot of peace that night knowing we would get through this month and have an early but healthy baby. Wednesday, more tests and ultrasounds took up most of the day and I was starting to feel like a lab rat. Unfortunately my kidneys continued to decline to 35% function and I was told I have stage3 Kidney Disease. Talk of  putting me on dialysis or delivering at 30 weeks began between my doctors. One of the head doctors from the NICU came down and told us that if they decided to deliver Gibson, he had a 95% chance of survival with few complications. At that point I felt like I could be strong and keep him in a few weeks longer...

    The decision was made wed evening that the best thing for both Gibson and myself was to go ahead and deliver him the next morning. At that point I broke down and Elliott was not my worry anymore. I was scared to death knowing Gibson was not even 3lbs. How could he survive this. I knew I could be a fighter and survive weeks of being in the hospital, but I wasn't sure Gibson could. I wanted to take this burden, not give it to him. But it wasn't my choice and the doctors knew my preeclampsia and kidneys would level back out again once I wasn't pregnant. I struggled to sleep that night and prayed so hard that we would both be ok. The next morning my sweet nurse got me up bright and early to allow me to shower before surgery. Of couse to add to the list of complications, I passed out in the shower and smacked my head pretty hard on the floor. They ran me upstairs for a Cscan before surgery to make sure there wasn't bleeding on my brain before they numbed my whole body. I was a total mess!!! From this point on the details are a bit fuzzy and things just moved so fast. They took me into the OR and Gibson Henry was born 2lb 8oz and 15 1/4in long on Dec.13th at 8:53AM. As they held him up really quick for me to look at him, I thought he looked more like an alien than a baby. They quickly put a breathing tube down his throat and took him upstairs to the NICU.

   I laid on the table with my eyes closed and the image of Gibson in my head, just trying breath. I wanted so badly to hear a cry of some sort but knew I wouldn't and just had to pray he was ok. After my doctor stiched me up, he very sweetly told me that my family is complete and if I really wanted to have a little girl, I needed to adopt. I just smiled and said "Dustin and I are already on that page with you". I knew after two miscarriages and lots of trouble delivering two boys I didn't want to do this again. We always wanted three, and secretly I wanted four, but I felt totally at peace knowing we are extremely blessed to have the two that we do. I didn't get to see Gibson till the next afternoon and I still thought he looked like a little alien, but he was my beautiful little alien. He was alive and doing well and thats all i cared about.

   The first two weeks of leaving him in the hospital and trying to split my time between Elliott and Gibson were very emotional and difficult. I broke down crying many times each day and just couldn't breath unless I was at the hospital with Gibson. Too many times I've had to remind myself to eat and find new ways to calm my anxiety, focusing on Elliott helps. It's been just over 5 weeks and I'm not quite as emotional but it definatley hasn't gotten any easier constantly leaving one boy to go spend time with the other. I've had to become a bit numb to how guilty I feel and just focus on getting Gibson home. All his nurses say he is a fiesty little man but so cute. He has pulled his feeding tube out of his stomach and nose many times, and even pulled his IV out of his foot one night before they got it taped down. Just in the last week and a half, he has progressed enough to no longer needing an IV or oxygen. He still has his feeding tube but luckily doesn't pull it out as often. He is up to 4lb 5oz and over 16in long. They just move him to an open air crib instead of his incubator, and when he learns how to eat totally on his own, he'll be on his way home. I know it's getting close with all the milestones he's hit lately, but I'm so scared to bring him home. I'm sleeping as much as I can now while the nurses watch him 24/7 because I know I wont get much sleep the first weeks (or months) when he's home, I'll be watching him breath day and night! I am so thankful for this Tiny Man inour lives and all the love and support from family and friends. WE COULDN'T BE DOING THIS WITHOUT YOU !!!

New Things

For Mother's day Dustin got me exactly what I wanted....... a Base guitar!!! Isn't it beautiful!!! I dont care for flower and chocolate, I want something I can really enjoy. Dustin has already taught me so much and I love being able to jam with him. Playing music together is how we got started.

We decided this year with our tax return we needed to upgrade our family vehicle. We looked for weeks and debated back and forth on what to get. We read reviews and talked to friends who had vehicles we were interested in ..... and this vehicle wasn't even on our list of possibilities but we have had it for a week and already love it!!! We bought an 01 Isuzu Trooper. We named it The Super Trooper!!!

I'm going to miss my Camry, I practically lived in that car for a couple years before I had Elliott. It's been good to me but I have a really good feeling our Super Trooper will treat us better. I love having cargo space in the back for Betsy so when we take her to the dog park she doesn't have to sit next to Elliott and get hair all over my seats!!!

This summer I plan on getting Elliott started on mom taught swim lessons. We just started practicing in our kiddi pool and we have some swim play dates planned for the big pools too.

 

Sorry I couldn't get him to look at me, he's too busy and moves so fast, but dont you just love those BUNS! and chubby body . He loves the water and I'm excited for him to work on his swimming. I know he's a bit young but isn't that when you should teach them, I've already got him doing chores at 14 months old.... lol, I'm probably going to be a strict mom...

Anyway, those are all the new things going on at our house and I'll try not to go months before I blog again!

Forced

I want to blog! I have so much to talk about, I just cant get it on paper. It feels forced, but I want to blog! I know I can always throw up a couple pictures of Elliott and call that done, but I know the erge to get things out of my head and written down or heard will still be stewing inside me... so, here are a few pics to look at while I figure out how to put these thoughts down.

Little Man got a bad eye infection and we almost miss out on Christmas in Cali! We still made it and had a BLAST! Elliott loves his new car seat and toy car that he got from both Grandma's. He's getting too big and too sweet.

Talk to you again soon..........

New Crafts, Hobbies and Projects!!!

Lately I've needed to stay busy and I can only clean my house everyday for so long so, these are a few fun ideas I've stolen from online and a few I'm just taking on myself. This first one I stole and it was really pretty fun to do. It took a few minutes before the crayons started melting but when they did, they were splattering all over. I like how it turned out but if I do it again, I'll stop the blow dryer before the crayons hit the bottom and leave more canvas showing. The other canvas board has my handprint. I want to put one of Elliotts hands and a foot print, Dustin's handprint, our family name and the date before I hang it up. The potters wheel is mine and I've been neglecting it since before I got pregnant. Now that I dont have a belly or a newborn its time to get my wheels turning again!!! Christmas presents here I come. And last but not least, I'm re-teaching myself to play the piano. I took lessons from a neighbor down the street as a kid, but many days I'd stop and play at a friends house, never making it all the way to my lesson. I've played music most of my life so hopefully I can pick it up again with not too much difficulty. These are just a few things I'm working on with many more on my list to create or learn like, sewing, quilting, re-learning the guitar and getting back on my TREDMILL!!!

Love!!!

Do you think this boy loves to eat or what? ENJOY THE PICS!!!

Breakthrough

When I was in my mid to late teens I was one of those very angry kids who were mad at the world, mad at my parents and at situations in my life. I used to pick fights with my sister so I could yell at her so I could feel like I was right and she was wrong. Really, I was just trying to make her feel as crappy as I felt. I got depressed and slept all the time, didn’t eat and refused to pretty much be a part of life. I felt stuck and lost, walking through my sophomore year like a zombie. Then one day I found my VICE! This woke me up to the world, woke me up to being happy, and made me forget about situations and experiences that I earlier didn’t want to face and cope with. I felt alive again and wasn’t afraid of living life to the fullest. I was HOOKED!!! Over the last 11 to 12 years I’ve leaned on that vice as life got hard and I didn’t want to step up and deal with it. I learned to run from situations, my anger and life in general. I was avoiding growing up. I used this vice so much that I no longer indulged in it just as a way of avoiding difficulties, but began to use it to celebrate the good things and the happy occasions. After a few years of living like this I could hardly go a day without my vice and I knew I had a problem. Even with seeking help and my secret somewhat out in the open, I continued to turn to my vice over and over knowing it wouldn’t allow me to have the things in my life that I really wanted like being a good member of my church, having a sweet family, being a good mom and even having a savings account! I worked at staying clear of it and each year the amount of time I stayed clear of this vice vs. giving into it grew and so did my confidence and self worth. I was still in and out of it when I got married and even succumbed to my vice for a few months in that first year of marriage when I was struggling from a second miscarriage. My husband knows all my faults and I know his. We support each other in our personal battles and work each day to be better than we were yesterday.
Lately I’ve been very angry and easily upset. I’m frustrated with where we are financially and I watch every dollar coming in and out of our account. I feel like my house is constantly a mess that I can’t stay on top of. My communication with Dustin has been greatly lacking. I’m struggling with his struggles. My baby doesn’t sleep well and nothing I’ve tried seems to help. I feel like I hardly ever get ME time anymore to just “go out on the town” or hang with the girls. I’ve been nitpicking at all the small, unimportant things so much that now I’ve developed horrible anxiety. I think things to death and internalize them till my chest tightens up and feel short of breath. Most days I just want climb on my roof and yell the “F” word as loud as I can!!! Don’t worry I don’t! I’m actually not much of a yeller at all. I can’t even bring myself to yell at Dustin no matter how upset I get at him. I’m too worried of becoming that angry, yelling teenager I used to be so I just keep things bottled up. I’m afraid I’ll get going and tear him to pieces, leaving him feeling worthless like I used to do to my sister. I’ve been so meticulous and so guarded with how I treat him and others that I never realized I’m still that angry teenager, she’s still inside me. Since I no longer suffocate her with my vice, I have to learn to deal with her after a decade of keeping her locked up. I need to face the things I’ve been running from since I was a teenager so I can get this angry girl out of me once and for all. Two nights ago I had this breakthrough as I lay in bed and allowed that angry girl to unleash on Dustin. For the first time I yelled at him. It was a quiet yell, but still a yell. One of those yells that would draw attention and quiet a crowd. I didn’t hold back worrying about his feelings and I let him know how pissed I was. We calmed down and I shared this breakthrough with him and asked if he would please be patient with me as I’m sure more yelling will ensue while I try to rid myself of this angry teen inside of me. I’m a bit nervous but also very excited for this growing experience I’m embarking upon. I think it’s just the change I’ve been looking for!!!