I'm Thankful...

I'm feeling very thankful today and I want to write them down before I forget.

I'm thankful...
-For a husband, who works so hard to support his family.
-For Elliott, who is being such a trooper through this trial, even on his bad days.
-For the endless help from family and friends
-For doctors and nurses who always have a positive attitude and a smile on their face.
-For fast food.
-For NOW being able to pick up my baby without the nurses permission
-For hospital stays and a speeding ticket that remind me I'm not invincible!!!
-For technology and modern medicine
-For all the medical knowledge i'm gaining
-For polite people
-For long walks across the parking lot, helping me lose baby weight and burn off fast food
-For my two siblings and a couple friends, who were able to have big healthy babies recently
-For elevators
-For naps and Dr.Pepper
-For breast pumps, even though I may not say that at 3am!
-For Batting cages and shooting ranges
-For Gibson hitting milestones when my hope is running low
-For learing I'm not as patient as I thought I was
-For the privilege to be a MOM
-For Heavenly Father allowing me to keep my baby
-For Priesthood Blessings
-For this trial and the blessings and growth that has come from it. I AM SO BLESSED!!!

Our Christmas Miracle

   First off, I cant believe it's been almost 8 months since I've blogged. I have two drafts, but I wont be publishing them now. So much has happened.... I'll give a short recap.... I got pregnant unexpectedly and struggled with that reality for a while, but eventually warmed up to the idea. My brother had a bad motorcycle accident and was impaled by a tree. Dustin quit his job and got a better one... Yeah! My Grandma passed away, that was rough! I turned 29 and Dustin turned 28. My whole family took an awesome trip to Sea World and all the kids loved it! We went to Ventura for Thanksgiving and spent it with Dustin's whole family. And I had a baby 10 weeks early.

So here's how this awesome miracle went down...
   The first week of Dec I was getting to the point in my pregnancy when you're sick of all your clothes cause nothing fits right, getting short of breath from just sweeping the floors and beginning to count down the weeks. I was almost into single digits and getting excited about bringing home a new little man to the family. I was emotional and nesting really early. I had been reorganizing and de-cluttering my house for weeks, almost in a panic. Little did I know what was to come. I started having trouble catching my breath more than I should be at this stage of pregnancy and needing much more sleep. Overall I was just feeling that something was wrong. Monday the 10th I started feeling really light headed and towards the evening I finally sat down and checked my blood pressure, 165/95!!! I layed down on the couch for a couple hours and checked it again. 165/104. A little panic started to set in because with Elliott I developed preeclampsia and had him C-section at 37 weeks. "I'm barely 30 weeks today, I cant have a baby this early", I thought. By then it was ten o'clock at night and I knew I could make my appointment the next morning if I just stayed in bed. Throughout the night my pressure never dropped and was still fairly high when I got to my appt. My doc told me go to triage so he could run a few test and said I could be there a few hours to a few days. I got Elliott situated with Dustin's mom and Dust and I headed to the hospital. I was in good spirits thinking they'll give me drugs for a day or two and send me home. Within an hour of being there my doctor informed me that my kidneys were in bad shape along with having preeclampsia and I wouldn't be going home till I had this baby. My doctor put me on medication immediately and was planning on buying Gibson four to five weeks before taking him C-section. If you think my blood pressure was high before, man did it jump after that conversation. How was i supposed to stay in the hospital for a month or more when I have a 21 month old at home to take care of. Big tears of concern for Elliott started running down my face and I was doing everything I could to hold it together. I calmed myself down just in time for my nurse to start my IV and pump me full of magnesium, which makes you so sick! I maintained sanity through the rest of the day joking with nurses and trying to plan how to take care of Elliott the next month. Luckily Dustin's mom was in town and planned to stay and help as long as she could, my mom was about to have her two week break from school and I had my sister and sis in-law available to pitch in as well. I felt a lot of peace that night knowing we would get through this month and have an early but healthy baby. Wednesday, more tests and ultrasounds took up most of the day and I was starting to feel like a lab rat. Unfortunately my kidneys continued to decline to 35% function and I was told I have stage3 Kidney Disease. Talk of  putting me on dialysis or delivering at 30 weeks began between my doctors. One of the head doctors from the NICU came down and told us that if they decided to deliver Gibson, he had a 95% chance of survival with few complications. At that point I felt like I could be strong and keep him in a few weeks longer...

    The decision was made wed evening that the best thing for both Gibson and myself was to go ahead and deliver him the next morning. At that point I broke down and Elliott was not my worry anymore. I was scared to death knowing Gibson was not even 3lbs. How could he survive this. I knew I could be a fighter and survive weeks of being in the hospital, but I wasn't sure Gibson could. I wanted to take this burden, not give it to him. But it wasn't my choice and the doctors knew my preeclampsia and kidneys would level back out again once I wasn't pregnant. I struggled to sleep that night and prayed so hard that we would both be ok. The next morning my sweet nurse got me up bright and early to allow me to shower before surgery. Of couse to add to the list of complications, I passed out in the shower and smacked my head pretty hard on the floor. They ran me upstairs for a Cscan before surgery to make sure there wasn't bleeding on my brain before they numbed my whole body. I was a total mess!!! From this point on the details are a bit fuzzy and things just moved so fast. They took me into the OR and Gibson Henry was born 2lb 8oz and 15 1/4in long on Dec.13th at 8:53AM. As they held him up really quick for me to look at him, I thought he looked more like an alien than a baby. They quickly put a breathing tube down his throat and took him upstairs to the NICU.

   I laid on the table with my eyes closed and the image of Gibson in my head, just trying breath. I wanted so badly to hear a cry of some sort but knew I wouldn't and just had to pray he was ok. After my doctor stiched me up, he very sweetly told me that my family is complete and if I really wanted to have a little girl, I needed to adopt. I just smiled and said "Dustin and I are already on that page with you". I knew after two miscarriages and lots of trouble delivering two boys I didn't want to do this again. We always wanted three, and secretly I wanted four, but I felt totally at peace knowing we are extremely blessed to have the two that we do. I didn't get to see Gibson till the next afternoon and I still thought he looked like a little alien, but he was my beautiful little alien. He was alive and doing well and thats all i cared about.

   The first two weeks of leaving him in the hospital and trying to split my time between Elliott and Gibson were very emotional and difficult. I broke down crying many times each day and just couldn't breath unless I was at the hospital with Gibson. Too many times I've had to remind myself to eat and find new ways to calm my anxiety, focusing on Elliott helps. It's been just over 5 weeks and I'm not quite as emotional but it definatley hasn't gotten any easier constantly leaving one boy to go spend time with the other. I've had to become a bit numb to how guilty I feel and just focus on getting Gibson home. All his nurses say he is a fiesty little man but so cute. He has pulled his feeding tube out of his stomach and nose many times, and even pulled his IV out of his foot one night before they got it taped down. Just in the last week and a half, he has progressed enough to no longer needing an IV or oxygen. He still has his feeding tube but luckily doesn't pull it out as often. He is up to 4lb 5oz and over 16in long. They just move him to an open air crib instead of his incubator, and when he learns how to eat totally on his own, he'll be on his way home. I know it's getting close with all the milestones he's hit lately, but I'm so scared to bring him home. I'm sleeping as much as I can now while the nurses watch him 24/7 because I know I wont get much sleep the first weeks (or months) when he's home, I'll be watching him breath day and night! I am so thankful for this Tiny Man inour lives and all the love and support from family and friends. WE COULDN'T BE DOING THIS WITHOUT YOU !!!

New Things

For Mother's day Dustin got me exactly what I wanted....... a Base guitar!!! Isn't it beautiful!!! I dont care for flower and chocolate, I want something I can really enjoy. Dustin has already taught me so much and I love being able to jam with him. Playing music together is how we got started.

We decided this year with our tax return we needed to upgrade our family vehicle. We looked for weeks and debated back and forth on what to get. We read reviews and talked to friends who had vehicles we were interested in ..... and this vehicle wasn't even on our list of possibilities but we have had it for a week and already love it!!! We bought an 01 Isuzu Trooper. We named it The Super Trooper!!!

I'm going to miss my Camry, I practically lived in that car for a couple years before I had Elliott. It's been good to me but I have a really good feeling our Super Trooper will treat us better. I love having cargo space in the back for Betsy so when we take her to the dog park she doesn't have to sit next to Elliott and get hair all over my seats!!!

This summer I plan on getting Elliott started on mom taught swim lessons. We just started practicing in our kiddi pool and we have some swim play dates planned for the big pools too.

 

Sorry I couldn't get him to look at me, he's too busy and moves so fast, but dont you just love those BUNS! and chubby body . He loves the water and I'm excited for him to work on his swimming. I know he's a bit young but isn't that when you should teach them, I've already got him doing chores at 14 months old.... lol, I'm probably going to be a strict mom...

Anyway, those are all the new things going on at our house and I'll try not to go months before I blog again!

Forced

I want to blog! I have so much to talk about, I just cant get it on paper. It feels forced, but I want to blog! I know I can always throw up a couple pictures of Elliott and call that done, but I know the erge to get things out of my head and written down or heard will still be stewing inside me... so, here are a few pics to look at while I figure out how to put these thoughts down.

Little Man got a bad eye infection and we almost miss out on Christmas in Cali! We still made it and had a BLAST! Elliott loves his new car seat and toy car that he got from both Grandma's. He's getting too big and too sweet.

Talk to you again soon..........

New Crafts, Hobbies and Projects!!!

Lately I've needed to stay busy and I can only clean my house everyday for so long so, these are a few fun ideas I've stolen from online and a few I'm just taking on myself. This first one I stole and it was really pretty fun to do. It took a few minutes before the crayons started melting but when they did, they were splattering all over. I like how it turned out but if I do it again, I'll stop the blow dryer before the crayons hit the bottom and leave more canvas showing. The other canvas board has my handprint. I want to put one of Elliotts hands and a foot print, Dustin's handprint, our family name and the date before I hang it up. The potters wheel is mine and I've been neglecting it since before I got pregnant. Now that I dont have a belly or a newborn its time to get my wheels turning again!!! Christmas presents here I come. And last but not least, I'm re-teaching myself to play the piano. I took lessons from a neighbor down the street as a kid, but many days I'd stop and play at a friends house, never making it all the way to my lesson. I've played music most of my life so hopefully I can pick it up again with not too much difficulty. These are just a few things I'm working on with many more on my list to create or learn like, sewing, quilting, re-learning the guitar and getting back on my TREDMILL!!!

Love!!!

Do you think this boy loves to eat or what? ENJOY THE PICS!!!

Breakthrough

When I was in my mid to late teens I was one of those very angry kids who were mad at the world, mad at my parents and at situations in my life. I used to pick fights with my sister so I could yell at her so I could feel like I was right and she was wrong. Really, I was just trying to make her feel as crappy as I felt. I got depressed and slept all the time, didn’t eat and refused to pretty much be a part of life. I felt stuck and lost, walking through my sophomore year like a zombie. Then one day I found my VICE! This woke me up to the world, woke me up to being happy, and made me forget about situations and experiences that I earlier didn’t want to face and cope with. I felt alive again and wasn’t afraid of living life to the fullest. I was HOOKED!!! Over the last 11 to 12 years I’ve leaned on that vice as life got hard and I didn’t want to step up and deal with it. I learned to run from situations, my anger and life in general. I was avoiding growing up. I used this vice so much that I no longer indulged in it just as a way of avoiding difficulties, but began to use it to celebrate the good things and the happy occasions. After a few years of living like this I could hardly go a day without my vice and I knew I had a problem. Even with seeking help and my secret somewhat out in the open, I continued to turn to my vice over and over knowing it wouldn’t allow me to have the things in my life that I really wanted like being a good member of my church, having a sweet family, being a good mom and even having a savings account! I worked at staying clear of it and each year the amount of time I stayed clear of this vice vs. giving into it grew and so did my confidence and self worth. I was still in and out of it when I got married and even succumbed to my vice for a few months in that first year of marriage when I was struggling from a second miscarriage. My husband knows all my faults and I know his. We support each other in our personal battles and work each day to be better than we were yesterday.
Lately I’ve been very angry and easily upset. I’m frustrated with where we are financially and I watch every dollar coming in and out of our account. I feel like my house is constantly a mess that I can’t stay on top of. My communication with Dustin has been greatly lacking. I’m struggling with his struggles. My baby doesn’t sleep well and nothing I’ve tried seems to help. I feel like I hardly ever get ME time anymore to just “go out on the town” or hang with the girls. I’ve been nitpicking at all the small, unimportant things so much that now I’ve developed horrible anxiety. I think things to death and internalize them till my chest tightens up and feel short of breath. Most days I just want climb on my roof and yell the “F” word as loud as I can!!! Don’t worry I don’t! I’m actually not much of a yeller at all. I can’t even bring myself to yell at Dustin no matter how upset I get at him. I’m too worried of becoming that angry, yelling teenager I used to be so I just keep things bottled up. I’m afraid I’ll get going and tear him to pieces, leaving him feeling worthless like I used to do to my sister. I’ve been so meticulous and so guarded with how I treat him and others that I never realized I’m still that angry teenager, she’s still inside me. Since I no longer suffocate her with my vice, I have to learn to deal with her after a decade of keeping her locked up. I need to face the things I’ve been running from since I was a teenager so I can get this angry girl out of me once and for all. Two nights ago I had this breakthrough as I lay in bed and allowed that angry girl to unleash on Dustin. For the first time I yelled at him. It was a quiet yell, but still a yell. One of those yells that would draw attention and quiet a crowd. I didn’t hold back worrying about his feelings and I let him know how pissed I was. We calmed down and I shared this breakthrough with him and asked if he would please be patient with me as I’m sure more yelling will ensue while I try to rid myself of this angry teen inside of me. I’m a bit nervous but also very excited for this growing experience I’m embarking upon. I think it’s just the change I’ve been looking for!!!

All Smiles

Lissa - Apple, Thanks for the comments. My lesson yesterday went so much better than I thought it would. I started out by telling the girls that I've never taught anyone over the age of 5, so if I end short of time, I had crayons and a picture for them to color to take home to show their parents... They got a good laugh out of it. I fumbled a bit at first but it really started to flow after about ten minutes. There were only two girls and I had two other leaders in there, so it turned into a smal discussion and was really fun. Everyone participated and helped fill the time. We discussed seeing and treating other people in our life, as the Savior would see and treat us. A lot of it was focussed on including other people we wouldn't normally befriend. I felt inspired to share a few stories of my own that I hadn't thought of until I was in the middle of my lesson. It felt really good. I handed out a little paper they could hang on the mirror and read every morning that read "Make Somebody Feel Special Today", and a pack of gum. The gum was not only for their enjoyment, but also a tool for striking up conversations with girls who could use a friend. I enjoyed teaching way more than I thought I would and am actually excited to teach again in a few weeks...

....As for me going crazy and running to the bar, dont be worried, I'm not going to do anything dumb!!! How could I when I have this little man to laugh at and play with every!


Plus my sexy husband is really good at talking me through any hole that I've dug myself in and making me feel like I'm worth all the love and blessings that I've been given! Thanks Babe, I Love you SOOOOOOO Much!!!

Awh Life......

Not only is our little man doing tons of things for the first time so am I. I was recently called to be the Laural Advisor in my ward and as I accepted this calling great excitement came over me. This was a calling I could say a big fat YES to... As many of you know I have no problem saying NO to things I am asked to do that make me uncomfortable and had a list of callings ready to say NO to if they asked me to serve. I know its wrong but thats how I feel and I know I'll grow up one day!!! When I stepped into that young womans room for the first time it tool me back a few years, I felt 17 again. I was not a good girl at 17 and cant let myself be that girl again. I suddenly got nervous and thought, I really am going to have to grow up and be a good example to these girls to help them grow into Woman. I almost feel more like their peer than their advisor and that thinking will only corrupt them. This sunday I am teaching for the first time and couldn't be more nervous!!! I know it will work out ok and I'll get the hang of it after a few lessons. I'm just suddenly so conscience of where I am in my life and how far I've come from that girl I was at 17, even from the girl I was at 25.
Sometimes I feel myself slipping back into the way I used to be and if it wasn't for my beautiful little man, I probably would fall flat on my face and not get up for a few months. Even in the last two months I've found myself just waiting for something really bad in my life to happen so I could use it as an excuse to run to the bar. I know doing that wont fulfill its purpose and I'll still feel angry and feel this sense of something is missing in my life. The guilt alone of disapointing my family would be a sharp sword to swallow........ so why do I continue to entertain the thought??? Why do any of us feel the urge to throw up our hands and run out to do something stupid we know we'll immediately wish we hadn't??? Is it a sense of freedom we get, or do we thrive on rebellion. Maybe we just feel the need to shake up the monotony that is our day... or our lives. Well whatever it is, I believe we all have it in us and some of us supress it until we burst, some give into it quickly in hopes it will get out of our system and some of us take those urges and channel them into good, wholesome, productive things. Which one will I do today?

There's a first time for EVERYTHING!!!

So far this month there have been lots of firsts in our house and Dustin and I are getting a kick out of it....

I truly believe that Elliott has known how to roll over for a while but didn't want us to think he's an overachiever, an now he's showing off. He rolled over, front-to-back one morning early this month and I was so excited I had to call Dustin and whip put th video camera. I made him lay on the floor till he did it two or three times. When Dustin got home of course we had to make him show dad, and not only did he show Dustin he could roll front-to-back, then he started rolling back-to-front, just like it was no big deal and he had done it 100 times.

He was so proud of himself that he strutted around the rest of the day in just his diaper, and sometimes not even that, showing off his muscles.


We continued on with many more firsts like playing with puzzles, actually eating solids, jumping(well really just sitting) in his johnny jumper, and watching football with mom. He's growing so fast I cant believe it. In some cases I cant wait till he can sit up and we can throw a ball abck and forth. But, on the other hand, I want him to stay right where he is in this fun baby stage of learning and exploring his world.

A few more pics!

Sorry forgot to add these photos at the end of the last post!!!

Oh so much to catch up on after neglecting my blog for a year and a half! Well, here goes......

Dustin and I loved our Condo, it felt more like a loft, but Betsy needed a yard and I needed grass to mow to feel whole..... so June 2010 we move into "The Date St House"

We loved our first house with the big backyard and trees. No joke, there is a grapefruit tree in the backyard that is perfect for climbing..... so quess what I did the day we moved in? Thats right... I climbed as high as I could and just sat up there feeling like the biggest kid in the world. Dustin couldn't find me even with me yelling for him, and when he finally did, he hung his head in laughter :) Later that day he climbed the tree too.

Well shortly after moving in we decided Betsy was all alone in that big backyard and needed a friends so dustin searched for a week or so and we went out and picked up our new puppy Stella. Another female black lab. We took Betsy and Dustin's mom with us to pick her up and on the way out there we were bouncing names around and Dustin shouted out Stella, and it stuck. We couldn't think of a better name and it suites her just right. Betsy and Stella quickly became best friends.

Life was good and getting better all the time (Aside from training a new puppy and going through the chewing stage again!!!) Well, in cristening everyroom in our new house, we got pregnant after only three weeks of living there!!! And after only being off birth control for six weeks!!! Can you say Fertile Myrtle! We were so excited and so nervous too after having 2
miscarriages. I felt like I was walking on eggshells with my body everyday and poor dustin, I barely let him touch me for the first 12 weeks out of pure fear of losing that baby too.

Three weeks after finding out we were pregnant, Dustin and I were sealed in the Mesa Temple. It was the most peaceful feeling knowing that we would be together forever and that this baby growing inside me was now sealed to us even if we lost that one too!!!

We got to 12 weeks and all was still good. I swore we were having a girl, and for the first time in my life I actually wanted a girl and all the cute things that came with one. Well at 20 weeks, we took bets and went in the find out...... Sure enough, I WAS WRONG!!! And relieved, I dont know what I would have done with a girl!!!


He was quite a mover and a shaker. All in all I had a fairly easy pregnancy, despite getting gestational diabetes. I gained 38lbs and like any other pregnant girl had a difficult time with the weight gain. At 37 weeks and 4 days I went in for my weekly check up and doctor told me we need to get him out TOMORROW!!!!! I had developed Pre-eclampsia and my blood pressure was getting dangerouly high. I left the doctor and told Dustin to meet me at home to get my bag and head to the hospital... He was speechless and so nervous! When I got home he was already there pacing around the living room waiting for me, not knowing what to do with himself! We made calls to family and friends to give them the news, grabbed our bag and off we went to the hospital. They pumped me full of meds to bring down my blood pressure and it made me so sick. I was scheduled for a C-section at 5pm the next day and just had to "get some rest" till then. Nurses dont really let you rest in a hospital, I dont know why they even say to rest when you both know they are going to come in every hour or so and bother you! The day was long and miserable and Dustin was such a trooper. I couldn't eat or drink and felt like I would die of dehydration. So everytime I got to go to the bathroom I'd sneak a drink out of the faucet just to maintain sanity lol :)







Just after 6pm they wheeled me into the OR and I was so ready to get him out I didn't care if they completely cut me in half and sewed me back together to get him out! The only thing I was really nervous about was choking, cause I was still throwing up from the meds and they were about to lay me flat on my back.... Fortunately, they didn't restrain one of my arms so I could hold my bucket and that madae me feel better. After getting all numbed up they let NERVOUS Dustin in the room and the look on his face was one of sure terror. I almost think he needed me more than I needed him!!! But it made me feel so much more at ease having him there. Before we knew it Elliott Scott Herron was being held up for us to see. My first thought when he came up over that curtain was, "He's so little". I couldn't believe I was a mom and the baby crying and getting cleaned up over in the corner was mine. I told Dustin to go be with him and let him hear your voice and see your face. I stared at the clock just focusing on my breathing and the sound of his cry. I wanted to hold him and kiss him and make it all better, but needed the shock to wear off first and my belly sewn shut. The next couple hours started to get a little blurry as I layed in recovery with family coming in to visit and see our new little man. We had some goodskin to skin time and never wanted to let him go!!! Look at him, would you want to let this angel go? He was 5.8lbs and 19in long. SO SO SO SO LITTLE!!!

He was perfect! Athough very small he was healthy and happy, and we were ready to take him home and start our family! I had him Wed. March 9, 2011 and we got to go home sat afternoon. We took him home and I couldn't stop looking at him. I didn't want the TV on or music playing, we just had this peaceful reverence in the house that I didn't want to go away! Over the next two days I became more and more sick and my eclampsia had not gone away. We left Elliott with Dustin's sister while D took me back to the hospital. I stayed for two days heavily medicated without my boys. Dustin was an AMAZING stay at home dad. He slept on the couch with Elliott on his chest both nights, brought him to visit mt and even took him to his first doctors appt. My sweet mom stayed with me so Dustin could stay home with his mom there supporting and helping him. I tried to be strong by broke down crying by the 2nd night. They let my go home with lots of meds the next day and I was Stoked! Now recovery and our new life could begin!!!

He had lots of visitors and started growing fast! He stayed in premie clothes till he was 4 to 5 weeks old. Just look how big that passy is in his mouth at 9 days old!

A few weeks later we moved again to "The 4th Pl House". We've been here for about three months now and I'm still not done decorating, but I'll get there soon. After being here a week and our "Big Puppy" Stella still chewing everything in sight, including poopy diapers, we decided to give her to a family who has time for her. We gave her to our friends Brian and Suzanne and they adore her. Dustin and I cried the first night she was gone but her being gone has taken so much stress out of our house.

Elliott is now almost 5 months old and 16lbs. He has tripled his birth weight and although wasn't for the first two and a half months, is now one of the happiest babies I know. He sleeps in his own crib in his room, talks all day long and can poop with the best of them. He sings the hymn with us at church on sunday and is already flirting with the girls, Heaven help us!!! He knows how to roll and has done it once, but wont do it again, which is fine by me. The longer it takes him to become mobile, the better for us :)

I'm so glad I got this all off my chest and can sit down and blog again!!! I'll keep you updated on our life and what Elliott's getting into next. Peace and Love!