Breakthrough

When I was in my mid to late teens I was one of those very angry kids who were mad at the world, mad at my parents and at situations in my life. I used to pick fights with my sister so I could yell at her so I could feel like I was right and she was wrong. Really, I was just trying to make her feel as crappy as I felt. I got depressed and slept all the time, didn’t eat and refused to pretty much be a part of life. I felt stuck and lost, walking through my sophomore year like a zombie. Then one day I found my VICE! This woke me up to the world, woke me up to being happy, and made me forget about situations and experiences that I earlier didn’t want to face and cope with. I felt alive again and wasn’t afraid of living life to the fullest. I was HOOKED!!! Over the last 11 to 12 years I’ve leaned on that vice as life got hard and I didn’t want to step up and deal with it. I learned to run from situations, my anger and life in general. I was avoiding growing up. I used this vice so much that I no longer indulged in it just as a way of avoiding difficulties, but began to use it to celebrate the good things and the happy occasions. After a few years of living like this I could hardly go a day without my vice and I knew I had a problem. Even with seeking help and my secret somewhat out in the open, I continued to turn to my vice over and over knowing it wouldn’t allow me to have the things in my life that I really wanted like being a good member of my church, having a sweet family, being a good mom and even having a savings account! I worked at staying clear of it and each year the amount of time I stayed clear of this vice vs. giving into it grew and so did my confidence and self worth. I was still in and out of it when I got married and even succumbed to my vice for a few months in that first year of marriage when I was struggling from a second miscarriage. My husband knows all my faults and I know his. We support each other in our personal battles and work each day to be better than we were yesterday.
Lately I’ve been very angry and easily upset. I’m frustrated with where we are financially and I watch every dollar coming in and out of our account. I feel like my house is constantly a mess that I can’t stay on top of. My communication with Dustin has been greatly lacking. I’m struggling with his struggles. My baby doesn’t sleep well and nothing I’ve tried seems to help. I feel like I hardly ever get ME time anymore to just “go out on the town” or hang with the girls. I’ve been nitpicking at all the small, unimportant things so much that now I’ve developed horrible anxiety. I think things to death and internalize them till my chest tightens up and feel short of breath. Most days I just want climb on my roof and yell the “F” word as loud as I can!!! Don’t worry I don’t! I’m actually not much of a yeller at all. I can’t even bring myself to yell at Dustin no matter how upset I get at him. I’m too worried of becoming that angry, yelling teenager I used to be so I just keep things bottled up. I’m afraid I’ll get going and tear him to pieces, leaving him feeling worthless like I used to do to my sister. I’ve been so meticulous and so guarded with how I treat him and others that I never realized I’m still that angry teenager, she’s still inside me. Since I no longer suffocate her with my vice, I have to learn to deal with her after a decade of keeping her locked up. I need to face the things I’ve been running from since I was a teenager so I can get this angry girl out of me once and for all. Two nights ago I had this breakthrough as I lay in bed and allowed that angry girl to unleash on Dustin. For the first time I yelled at him. It was a quiet yell, but still a yell. One of those yells that would draw attention and quiet a crowd. I didn’t hold back worrying about his feelings and I let him know how pissed I was. We calmed down and I shared this breakthrough with him and asked if he would please be patient with me as I’m sure more yelling will ensue while I try to rid myself of this angry teen inside of me. I’m a bit nervous but also very excited for this growing experience I’m embarking upon. I think it’s just the change I’ve been looking for!!!