Forced

I want to blog! I have so much to talk about, I just cant get it on paper. It feels forced, but I want to blog! I know I can always throw up a couple pictures of Elliott and call that done, but I know the erge to get things out of my head and written down or heard will still be stewing inside me... so, here are a few pics to look at while I figure out how to put these thoughts down.

Little Man got a bad eye infection and we almost miss out on Christmas in Cali! We still made it and had a BLAST! Elliott loves his new car seat and toy car that he got from both Grandma's. He's getting too big and too sweet.

Talk to you again soon..........

New Crafts, Hobbies and Projects!!!

Lately I've needed to stay busy and I can only clean my house everyday for so long so, these are a few fun ideas I've stolen from online and a few I'm just taking on myself. This first one I stole and it was really pretty fun to do. It took a few minutes before the crayons started melting but when they did, they were splattering all over. I like how it turned out but if I do it again, I'll stop the blow dryer before the crayons hit the bottom and leave more canvas showing. The other canvas board has my handprint. I want to put one of Elliotts hands and a foot print, Dustin's handprint, our family name and the date before I hang it up. The potters wheel is mine and I've been neglecting it since before I got pregnant. Now that I dont have a belly or a newborn its time to get my wheels turning again!!! Christmas presents here I come. And last but not least, I'm re-teaching myself to play the piano. I took lessons from a neighbor down the street as a kid, but many days I'd stop and play at a friends house, never making it all the way to my lesson. I've played music most of my life so hopefully I can pick it up again with not too much difficulty. These are just a few things I'm working on with many more on my list to create or learn like, sewing, quilting, re-learning the guitar and getting back on my TREDMILL!!!

Love!!!

Do you think this boy loves to eat or what? ENJOY THE PICS!!!

Breakthrough

When I was in my mid to late teens I was one of those very angry kids who were mad at the world, mad at my parents and at situations in my life. I used to pick fights with my sister so I could yell at her so I could feel like I was right and she was wrong. Really, I was just trying to make her feel as crappy as I felt. I got depressed and slept all the time, didn’t eat and refused to pretty much be a part of life. I felt stuck and lost, walking through my sophomore year like a zombie. Then one day I found my VICE! This woke me up to the world, woke me up to being happy, and made me forget about situations and experiences that I earlier didn’t want to face and cope with. I felt alive again and wasn’t afraid of living life to the fullest. I was HOOKED!!! Over the last 11 to 12 years I’ve leaned on that vice as life got hard and I didn’t want to step up and deal with it. I learned to run from situations, my anger and life in general. I was avoiding growing up. I used this vice so much that I no longer indulged in it just as a way of avoiding difficulties, but began to use it to celebrate the good things and the happy occasions. After a few years of living like this I could hardly go a day without my vice and I knew I had a problem. Even with seeking help and my secret somewhat out in the open, I continued to turn to my vice over and over knowing it wouldn’t allow me to have the things in my life that I really wanted like being a good member of my church, having a sweet family, being a good mom and even having a savings account! I worked at staying clear of it and each year the amount of time I stayed clear of this vice vs. giving into it grew and so did my confidence and self worth. I was still in and out of it when I got married and even succumbed to my vice for a few months in that first year of marriage when I was struggling from a second miscarriage. My husband knows all my faults and I know his. We support each other in our personal battles and work each day to be better than we were yesterday.
Lately I’ve been very angry and easily upset. I’m frustrated with where we are financially and I watch every dollar coming in and out of our account. I feel like my house is constantly a mess that I can’t stay on top of. My communication with Dustin has been greatly lacking. I’m struggling with his struggles. My baby doesn’t sleep well and nothing I’ve tried seems to help. I feel like I hardly ever get ME time anymore to just “go out on the town” or hang with the girls. I’ve been nitpicking at all the small, unimportant things so much that now I’ve developed horrible anxiety. I think things to death and internalize them till my chest tightens up and feel short of breath. Most days I just want climb on my roof and yell the “F” word as loud as I can!!! Don’t worry I don’t! I’m actually not much of a yeller at all. I can’t even bring myself to yell at Dustin no matter how upset I get at him. I’m too worried of becoming that angry, yelling teenager I used to be so I just keep things bottled up. I’m afraid I’ll get going and tear him to pieces, leaving him feeling worthless like I used to do to my sister. I’ve been so meticulous and so guarded with how I treat him and others that I never realized I’m still that angry teenager, she’s still inside me. Since I no longer suffocate her with my vice, I have to learn to deal with her after a decade of keeping her locked up. I need to face the things I’ve been running from since I was a teenager so I can get this angry girl out of me once and for all. Two nights ago I had this breakthrough as I lay in bed and allowed that angry girl to unleash on Dustin. For the first time I yelled at him. It was a quiet yell, but still a yell. One of those yells that would draw attention and quiet a crowd. I didn’t hold back worrying about his feelings and I let him know how pissed I was. We calmed down and I shared this breakthrough with him and asked if he would please be patient with me as I’m sure more yelling will ensue while I try to rid myself of this angry teen inside of me. I’m a bit nervous but also very excited for this growing experience I’m embarking upon. I think it’s just the change I’ve been looking for!!!

All Smiles

Lissa - Apple, Thanks for the comments. My lesson yesterday went so much better than I thought it would. I started out by telling the girls that I've never taught anyone over the age of 5, so if I end short of time, I had crayons and a picture for them to color to take home to show their parents... They got a good laugh out of it. I fumbled a bit at first but it really started to flow after about ten minutes. There were only two girls and I had two other leaders in there, so it turned into a smal discussion and was really fun. Everyone participated and helped fill the time. We discussed seeing and treating other people in our life, as the Savior would see and treat us. A lot of it was focussed on including other people we wouldn't normally befriend. I felt inspired to share a few stories of my own that I hadn't thought of until I was in the middle of my lesson. It felt really good. I handed out a little paper they could hang on the mirror and read every morning that read "Make Somebody Feel Special Today", and a pack of gum. The gum was not only for their enjoyment, but also a tool for striking up conversations with girls who could use a friend. I enjoyed teaching way more than I thought I would and am actually excited to teach again in a few weeks...

....As for me going crazy and running to the bar, dont be worried, I'm not going to do anything dumb!!! How could I when I have this little man to laugh at and play with every!


Plus my sexy husband is really good at talking me through any hole that I've dug myself in and making me feel like I'm worth all the love and blessings that I've been given! Thanks Babe, I Love you SOOOOOOO Much!!!

Awh Life......

Not only is our little man doing tons of things for the first time so am I. I was recently called to be the Laural Advisor in my ward and as I accepted this calling great excitement came over me. This was a calling I could say a big fat YES to... As many of you know I have no problem saying NO to things I am asked to do that make me uncomfortable and had a list of callings ready to say NO to if they asked me to serve. I know its wrong but thats how I feel and I know I'll grow up one day!!! When I stepped into that young womans room for the first time it tool me back a few years, I felt 17 again. I was not a good girl at 17 and cant let myself be that girl again. I suddenly got nervous and thought, I really am going to have to grow up and be a good example to these girls to help them grow into Woman. I almost feel more like their peer than their advisor and that thinking will only corrupt them. This sunday I am teaching for the first time and couldn't be more nervous!!! I know it will work out ok and I'll get the hang of it after a few lessons. I'm just suddenly so conscience of where I am in my life and how far I've come from that girl I was at 17, even from the girl I was at 25.
Sometimes I feel myself slipping back into the way I used to be and if it wasn't for my beautiful little man, I probably would fall flat on my face and not get up for a few months. Even in the last two months I've found myself just waiting for something really bad in my life to happen so I could use it as an excuse to run to the bar. I know doing that wont fulfill its purpose and I'll still feel angry and feel this sense of something is missing in my life. The guilt alone of disapointing my family would be a sharp sword to swallow........ so why do I continue to entertain the thought??? Why do any of us feel the urge to throw up our hands and run out to do something stupid we know we'll immediately wish we hadn't??? Is it a sense of freedom we get, or do we thrive on rebellion. Maybe we just feel the need to shake up the monotony that is our day... or our lives. Well whatever it is, I believe we all have it in us and some of us supress it until we burst, some give into it quickly in hopes it will get out of our system and some of us take those urges and channel them into good, wholesome, productive things. Which one will I do today?

There's a first time for EVERYTHING!!!

So far this month there have been lots of firsts in our house and Dustin and I are getting a kick out of it....

I truly believe that Elliott has known how to roll over for a while but didn't want us to think he's an overachiever, an now he's showing off. He rolled over, front-to-back one morning early this month and I was so excited I had to call Dustin and whip put th video camera. I made him lay on the floor till he did it two or three times. When Dustin got home of course we had to make him show dad, and not only did he show Dustin he could roll front-to-back, then he started rolling back-to-front, just like it was no big deal and he had done it 100 times.

He was so proud of himself that he strutted around the rest of the day in just his diaper, and sometimes not even that, showing off his muscles.


We continued on with many more firsts like playing with puzzles, actually eating solids, jumping(well really just sitting) in his johnny jumper, and watching football with mom. He's growing so fast I cant believe it. In some cases I cant wait till he can sit up and we can throw a ball abck and forth. But, on the other hand, I want him to stay right where he is in this fun baby stage of learning and exploring his world.