Not only is our little man doing tons of things for the first time so am I. I was recently called to be the Laural Advisor in my ward and as I accepted this calling great excitement came over me. This was a calling I could say a big fat YES to... As many of you know I have no problem saying NO to things I am asked to do that make me uncomfortable and had a list of callings ready to say NO to if they asked me to serve. I know its wrong but thats how I feel and I know I'll grow up one day!!! When I stepped into that young womans room for the first time it tool me back a few years, I felt 17 again. I was not a good girl at 17 and cant let myself be that girl again. I suddenly got nervous and thought, I really am going to have to grow up and be a good example to these girls to help them grow into Woman. I almost feel more like their peer than their advisor and that thinking will only corrupt them. This sunday I am teaching for the first time and couldn't be more nervous!!! I know it will work out ok and I'll get the hang of it after a few lessons. I'm just suddenly so conscience of where I am in my life and how far I've come from that girl I was at 17, even from the girl I was at 25.
Sometimes I feel myself slipping back into the way I used to be and if it wasn't for my beautiful little man, I probably would fall flat on my face and not get up for a few months. Even in the last two months I've found myself just waiting for something really bad in my life to happen so I could use it as an excuse to run to the bar. I know doing that wont fulfill its purpose and I'll still feel angry and feel this sense of something is missing in my life. The guilt alone of disapointing my family would be a sharp sword to swallow........ so why do I continue to entertain the thought??? Why do any of us feel the urge to throw up our hands and run out to do something stupid we know we'll immediately wish we hadn't??? Is it a sense of freedom we get, or do we thrive on rebellion. Maybe we just feel the need to shake up the monotony that is our day... or our lives. Well whatever it is, I believe we all have it in us and some of us supress it until we burst, some give into it quickly in hopes it will get out of our system and some of us take those urges and channel them into good, wholesome, productive things. Which one will I do today?
Wow Brittney...powerful thoughts...thank you for sharing something so personal and truthful. I love you Brittney, you have no idea how much! I know today you will only do good with the help of whoever or whatever keeps you in that safe place. Your in a new chapter of your life...It's a huge change from going to being someone who has worked full time to being a stay at home Mom with a little man who is totally dependent on his little Mommy. It might feel monotness but it's going to be one of the MOST important things you do in your life...Call me anytime...I love you sweetie...Mom Herron
ReplyDeleteI'm anxious to hear how your lesson went, I'm sure you did an awesome job! Those girls are so lucky to have you in there, you and Kim will make a great duo:)
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite things about this church is that "ordinary" people are called to serve in every capacity. We serve in callings that might not necessarily be our strong point or what we feel good at, but we always come out a better person. I made the most growth spiritually in my life when I served those YW. They will keep you on your toes and striving to be a good example(just like LL is already doing for you).
I love how honest you are as you write about your thoughts. You rock!